Being a MOM

The other day I heard someone say, "I love being a mom."

It got me thinking about whether or not I have uttered those 5 words in the two years I have been a mother.   And, in all honesty, I don't think I ever have.

I talked to Dustin about it.  I asked him if he had ever said, "I love being a dad."  He didn't think he had either.

I went a little further and asked him if he thought loving your child means you love being a parent.  We both concluded that the two are not one in the same.

I love my daughter with all my heart.  I am so glad she is a part of my life, and I cannot imagine it without her.  I know Dustin feels the same way.  We love her so much.  She is hilarious, smart and so adorable.  It is stunning to watch her grow physically and cognitively and emotionally.

We are three peas in a pod.  We are a family.  We fit together.

However, my love for my daughter does not equate to loving all that comes with being a mom.  I think that's sort of a given.  But I'm not just talking about the tantrums, the sleepless nights, and constantly changing diapers.

I don't like it when people walk into my house and act amazed that it's clean.  Am I suppose to have a dirty house because I am a mom?  

I don't like being categorized as a "homemaker" on applications for credit cards, mortgages or even tax return forms.  

I don't like being asked if I "get" to stay at home or if I "have to work."  I also don't like the looks I get when I say, "I have a part-time job because I like to work."  Are my interests and other goals in life suppose to disappear once I am a mom?

I don't like it when people, especially people who are not parents (like Oprah), say being a mom is the hardest job in the world.  It's almost like they want to make you feel better about being a mom and not some hot shot executive.  I also think it is sexist.  It's difficult sometimes to be a dad.

I know there are a lot of women out there that want nothing more than to be a mother.  I know there are many women who have a difficult time getting pregnant.  I imagine some of my statements make me sound like I am a horrible, ungrateful person.  I know I take the fact that I had no trouble at all getting pregnant for granted.

But, from the minute my daughter was born I went from being identified one way to being identified in a completely new way.  It's been a struggle for me from the beginning.  It continues to be a struggle.  And every once in awhile, things I hear other people say, like "I love being a mom," brings all those struggles to the surface and I just have to get them out.

Thoughts?

TWO-for-ONE

"His name is Toofer because with him you get a two-for-one; a black guy and a Harvard guy."

-Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

I grew up in Salt Lake City.  I traveled enough to know that Salt Lake was probably not considered a big city, at least not when compared to New York, Chicago or LA.

In late 2006, I moved to Idaho Falls.  I grew up visiting Idaho Falls a lot since my grandparents lived there.  As a child, I loved Idaho Falls.  I spent most of my Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays there.  It always had a special feeling to it.  

I just assumed I would enjoy living there.  And I did for the most part. 

But, as the years went on, I started to feel like I was suffocating.  It dawned on me that I lived in a small town and I didn't like it.  I especially didn't like feeling as though I was downtown New York whenever I would visit Utah and walk the streets of Salt Lake.  I knew for sure I was in a small town if Salt Lake seemed HUGE to me.

After 3.5 years in Idaho, we decided to move back to Utah.  Besides wanting to be close to family, we wanted to have access to more things - concerts, plays, sporting events, an international airport, etc.

We've been back in Utah for 6 months now, and I've tried to take advantage of all the many more things I can do in Salt Lake than I could in Idaho Falls.  One of which was last night.

It all started when I logged onto Twitter on Tuesday.  I'm not a huge Twitter fan, but I created an account just to see what all the buzz was about.  Anyway, whenever I log in, I see tweets from Joshua Radin, one of my favorite musicians.  He said he was going to be in Salt Lake on March 2nd.  

I immediately went into overdrive.  How did I not hear about this concert sooner?  Was it sold out?  I had to get tickets!  To make a long story short, I bought 2 tickets (one of me, one of my husband) an hour later.  I was so excited.  This would be my first concert since 2005.

But then I started to feel guilty.  Would our daughter, "I" be good with a sitter?  Could we really afford to do this?  Maybe we shouldn't go.

I shoved all those thoughts aside, realized this was someone I always wanted to see in concert and to just enjoy the opportunity.

When we got to the concert (and remembered I forgot my good camera), I walked through the doors and I immediately flash backed to my days as a high schooler/young college student.  I used to go to concerts all the time with my friends and being back in that environment, the loud music, the shirts and posters for sale, etc., brought back all the fun memories.  I wasn't expecting to feel that way, but I loved it.

The concert was amazing.  There weren't any seats, everyone just stood around.  It was a rather small venue and the stage was really close to the floor.  It was a lot more intimate than what I  imagine a Lady Gaga concert would be like.

When Joshua Radin came onto the stage the crowd cheered and screamed.  I managed to find the perfect spot to stand where I could see his face and upper body perfectly.  He played so well, he played some of his new stuff, but also a lot of his old stuff.  It was awesome!  He even played a song that I put to a video I made about my daughter....which almost made me cry.

As we left the concert, I told my husband how happy I was that we went.  We reminded each other that this was why we moved back to Utah - for more opportunities.  And, to top it all off, I was reminded of my good ol' days with my friends.  It was definitely a two-for-one night.  Here's a video of one of his encore songs, Winter.

For any of you that haven't heard any of Joshua Radin's music,  here's a video.  This was one of the first songs I heard by him.  Enjoy!  And when you're done, go out and do something new.

a CLASSIC book

"Mocking birds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don't eat up people's gardens, don't nest in corncribs, they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird."

-Miss Maudie Atkinson to Scout, To Kill a Mockingbird

I recently finished reading the book To Kill a Mockingbird.  I had always heard good things about this book, and, looking back, am surprised I didn't have to read it in high school.  Regardless, I knew it was something I needed to read.

I now understand why it is considered a "classic."  It was absolutely amazing and the best book I have ever read.  I dare say it is my favorite book.  I completely loved it.  I am not one to read books more than once, but as soon as I read the last page I was tempted to start reading it all over again.

As I'm sure most people know, this novel is about a young girl living in the South during the 1930s.  I loved that the book was told from her point of view because her attempt to make sense of her world, the social injustices around her, was very enlightening and profound.

The book is written beautifully, the characters are strong and unforgettable.  I will be surprised if another book tops this one.

Read it if you haven't already!

i'm an AMERICAN

When I was 19 years old, I had the amazing opportunity to go to China with the Weber State Symphony Orchestra.  I played the violin (still do actually) and was attending college on a music scholarship. The trip was scheduled for March 2000, my second semester at college; however, I found out about the trip months before I even began going to school.

When I heard about the trip, my initial reaction was not to go.  I didn't know anyone in the orchestra (yet) and worried I wouldn't have a good time because of it.  Thankfully, my mom, in all her wisdom, told me I should go.  So, I went.

When the trip finally arrived I had made some good friends, and while I was nervous to travel so far from home I knew it would be a good experience for me.  The 15 hour plane right wasn't that bad, but traveling with one of my most prized possessions, my violin, made things somewhat complicated.

The plan was to stay in Shanghai for 8 days.  We had three different concerts scheduled in that area, one of which was combined with a Chinese orchestra.  Due to limited stage room, only half of my orchestra was able to play with the Chinese performers, and fortunately for me I was able to play.

After our stay in Shanghai, our plan was to fly to Beijing and tour the area.  No performing.  We planned to see The Great Wall and Tiananmen Square just to name a few.

Shortly after arriving in Shanghai, it was evident that us Americans stood out, especially those of us with blonde hair.  Young people, probably college students, who spoke English would run up to us on the streets just to talk.  People were so excited to see us, were so curious about us for no other reason than that we were from the United States of America.

My best memory of China was along these same lines.

I was walking around the streets of Shanghai.  I was not alone, but I don't remember who was with me.  A Chinese man and woman approached me.  There was an obvious language barrier, but the man pointed his camera to me, so I assumed he wanted me to take a picture of him with his wife.  As I reached for the camera, the two shook their heads and I soon realized that they wanted a picture of me.  I stood next to the man, his wife took one picture of us together and another of us shaking hands.  And that was that.

They wanted a picture of me because I was an American.  As long as I live, I will never forget that moment.

My trip to China was amazing.  Not only did I see and experience amazing landmarks, I gained a greater appreciation for being an American.  I was grateful for my freedom and was happy I didn't have to live in a city flooded with soldiers carrying machine guns.

It is really easy to get caught up in our differences.  There are so many sides to each story.  Tolerance for different opinions and lifestyles is steadily decreasing.

But, hopefully, no matter what, we, as Americans, can always appreciate what we have.

SOCIAL networking

"Whether in rekindled romances facilitated by Facebook friendship or outraged ventings of opinion on a blog, offline selves are being influenced by online personae in ways society has yet to fully comprehend"

-Carol  Haggas

I went to Barnes & Noble last night to waste some time.  I wandered around until I found my favorite sections:  Psychology, Relationships, Dating/Marriage.  You get the idea.  I skimmed over all the titles until one caught my attention:  Virtually You:  The Dangerous Powers of the E-Personality.  I was immediately drawn to the book and started to read the preface.  Unfortunately, I was only able to read a few lines before I had to leave the store.

I thought it was interesting I saw that book at that time because for the last few days I've been thinking a lot about social networking and technology and how it has impacted the way we interact with one another, how we portray ourselves and how we respond to the portrayal of others.  I'll warn you, my thoughts on this are crazy, so this might be a long post.

How We Interact
The ways in which we interact with one another has completely changed thanks to the Internet and cell phones.  With the help of e-mail, we can take care of business, personal issues or even just say hello without uttering a single word.  And, to get around not hearing fluctuation of voices which can usually signal when someone is upset, being sarcastic, or joking, we've improvised by using smiley faces :), winks ;), TYPING IN ALL CAPS, ending sentences like this....., using strikethrough, and a variety of acronyms like LOL, my personal favorite.  Thanks to cell phones, we now have the ability to do all of this and more in the palm of our hand.

While all of this is technology is wonderful and useful in so many ways, is it costing us in others?  I think the video above illustrates my point exactly.  Are we completely incapable of having meaningful, face to face, one on one conversations?  Are we so wrapped up in our gadgets that, if we lost it, we, ourselves, would be lost?  Do we even memorize phone numbers anymore?

Personally, I hate verbal confrontation.  I'd rather do anything than confront someone and talk about something uncomfortable (wether it's delivering bad news or even expressing my feelings) regardless of how important it may be.  I'll admit, I am guilty of using e-mail and text messaging to interact with people about subjects that really should've been talked about in person.  Not only would it have avoided miscommunication (because of no voice fluctuation), it also would've been a good experience for me to get over my issues with confrontation.  Plus, depending on the situation, it most likely would've brought me closer to the person I was talking to.

How We Portray Ourselves and How We Respond to the Portrayal of Others
I first started to dissect my thoughts on this matter after I reconnected via Facebook with an old friend I met during college.  It had been at least 10 years since I had seen or heard from her.  I browsed through her pictures, learned that she was married, and had one daughter.  Her husband had even started his own business.  Her pictures varied from family gatherings to trips to Hawaii and Central America.  I thought to myself, "Wow, she's doing really great."  I envied all the many things she was doing and compared it to my own life.  Was I traveling enough?  Was I too cautious?  Was I not exposing my daughter to enough fun and new experiences?  Why couldn't I look like that, dress like, etc.?

Her husband's business interested me, so I visited the website to learn more.  I later sent her an e-mail via Facebook to congratulate her on all his success.  It was then that the rose colored glasses came off, and I learned more about her life, specifically that the business was very slow and her marriage was very rocky.  Overall, she was unhappy.

For some reason, I was really shocked by this news.  I wasn't shocked because her profile portrayed a very happy life (because we all know people only post their best foot and only their best foot on Facebook).  I was more shocked, despite my knowledge, that I had fed into it.  I didn't once wonder that she had to have some sort of issues.  I took what I saw and didn't think twice about it.  And worst of all, I let her seemingly success and happiness question my own life, my own happiness, my own success, etc.

I really should give Facebook a break, the same "happy-everything-is-great-in-my-life" personae can also be said for blogs.  People document their special days or everyday doings for their friends and family to see.  And I really think it is a great way to stay in touch with people, especially if you live far away from loved ones.  In addition, we can blog hop and view posts written by people we don't even know - people that are friends with a friend who is a friend of my cousins.  Like Facebook profiles, viewing blogs and blog hopping has more than once second guessed my own life.  It made me envious, sometimes even jealous even when it came to the dumbest things like the blog layout:  "Where did they get that fun font?"  "Why doesn't my blog look as fancy as this one?"  And so on.

One thing I have noticed with blogs is when people divert from the typical "this is what I did this weekend" posts and write about something more serious, like their faults, difficulties or feelings, they apologize for it.  They apologize because they think it probably wasn't an interesting post, or it was a downer post or a boring post.  I personally find those posts more interesting than anything.

On the Flip Side
I could be taking a mole hill and making it a mountain.  It is very possible that the things I described aren't the norm, and that I very well could be the only person that reads too much into blogs or profiles.  I tend to overanalyze things - a lot.

It's also possible that people aren't quite as candid online because they don't want to be.  They aren't necessarily hiding things, they just aren't sharing things that they deem too personal.  I have certainly omitted things from my online self that just wasn't anybody's business.

To Sum It Up
What do you think?  Is social networking is getting out of control?  Do we need to be spending more time in person together?  Are people's online personae's influencing how we see ourselves to a point where it could be dangerous, even damaging to our own self-worth?

Thoughts?

BLISSFULLY ignornat

In May 2008, I found out I was pregnant.  It would be my first pregnancy of all time.  When I read the test, I just thought to myself "Ok, I'm pregnant."  Since I wasn't surprised to see a positive result, I called my husband at work and gave him the news.  He just said "Really?  Ok.  Well, I'll see you when I get home."  I've since wondered why our response to the news was so casual.  I guess it could be attributed to the fact that it took no time at all for me to get pregnant (and for that I am extremely grateful), so I don't think we really had time to decide how we would handle things.

Because this was my first pregnancy, I really didn't know what to expect.  All I had ever learned or heard about was from other people, so in a way I just assumed I would have the same experiences.  I started reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting" but to be perfectly honest I got bored with it.  Everything I read was not happening to me.  I decided I would use the book more as a reference when I had a question rather than fill my mind with what could happen.

Within weeks of finding out I was pregnant, we learned that three other girls in our family were expecting too.  We were all due within weeks of each other.  One of my cousin's blogged all about her experience and it was while I was reading her posts that I realized how different our pregnancies were.  She was going through things that never once happened to me.  She felt sick all the time.  I never had morning sickness.  Those sorts of things.

As my pregnancy progressed it continued to be really easy.  I was amazed and shocked.  Sure, there were moments of discomfort, but that was only when the baby had her leg in a weird place and as soon as she moved I was totally fine.  I slept better than I ever had before.  I never threw up after eating.  I never had heartburn, etc.

The few things that were annoying happened as I neared the 9 month mark:  my blood pressure was high, so my doctor told me to take things very easy; my ankles, hands and feet swelled; and one of fingers was constantly numb.

Six days before my due date, my doctor decided to induce me because my blood pressure continued to increase.

Like my pregnancy, my labor and delivery was a lot less dramatic and painful than I anticipated.  Our daughter was born 5 hours after we got to the hospital.  I think I pushed two, possibly three times.  And the 22 pounds I gained quickly vanished just weeks later without me doing anything.

Now that our daughter is two, my husband and I have started to think about thinking about having another baby.  As I contemplate what it would be like to have another child, the thing that scares me the most is being pregnant again.  I think I was almost too lucky with my first experience that I'm due for the complete opposite the second time around.  All the difficulties that come with having the actual baby in the flesh doesn't scare me quite as much because I'll have my husband to help me with that.  But, I'm on my own during those first 9 months.

Back in 2008, when we decided to have a baby, ignorance was blissfully on our side.  This time, I'm much more cautious. Even though I know everyone's experience is different, I'm curious to know who have been pregnant more than once if they were similar.  Was one really easy while the other just a nightmare?

Thoughts are appreciated! 

GIRL 1 vs GIRL 2

"The purpose of psychology is to give us a completely different idea of the things we know best."

-Paul Valery

I studied psychology in college.  It was my minor, in fact.  I remember during one class, my professor proposed this scenerio:

Girl 1:  One girl gives a guy her phone number.  He tells her he'll call her at a certain time.  And he does.

Girl 2:  This girl gives a guy her phone number.  He tells her he'll call her at a certain time.  But so far she hasn't heard from him.

This goes on for days.

The question is:  Everyday, which girl do you think is waiting for his phone call?

Thoughts?