the END of an ERA

Shortly after Isabelle was born, I decided to quit my job.  It was around that time that I realized how much of my self-identity was wrapped up in my work.  It took me awhile to get used to the idea of not having an answer to the always fun question, "What do you do?" or having to put a checkmark next to the "Homemaker" {#gag} option on mortgage applications.  Over the years, I've learned how to deal with not working full-time all while still feeling like a contributing member of society.

However, I find myself feeling somewhat the same as I enter a new phase in my life.  This is a very exciting phase, one that I never thought possible, but that doesn't take away the weird feeling of leaving a part of me behind.

Two months ago, I got my learners permit.  Yes, at the ripe old age of nearly 33 years old, I will, in a few weeks, be eligible to become a licensed driver for the first time ever.  I'll spare the details as to why I've never driven before because it's health related {#seizuressuck}, and it's not really relevant to this post.

Not being able to drive has been something that has defined me in so many ways.  Driving has always been my greatest fear.  It has restricted me beyond belief.  It has been the source of much stress.  But it has also allowed me to see the kindness and goodness in other people as I have had to rely heavily on friends and family for many, many years to get from point A to point B.

After consulting with my neurologist and having been seizure-free for 3 months, I decided it was time to conquer my fear and learn to drive.  I don't think I could have ever done it without the inspiration of my two daughters.  It was for them that I did this.  Learning to drive meant I didn't have to worry about things I constantly worried about.  Things that other people probably never thought twice about:  How will I get my kids to school?  What happens if they get sick or forget something and I need to get to their school quickly?  What if they want to go to a friends house?  How will I get them to dance or music lessons?

And the list goes on and on on.

Growing up, my mom drove me everywhere.  I have no idea how we would've functioned as a family had my mom not been able to drive.  I had nightmares {ok, not actual nightmares} of my children resenting me for not being able to take them places.  I knew my not being able to drive would have a large impact on their lives, and I didn't want that.  I didn't want to be an embarrassment to them, but I especially didn't want to inhibit them in any way.

And so I'm learning to drive.  And things are going well.  Being able to get into a car and drive a few blocks to the grocery store is one of the greatest luxuries ever.  Not having to worry about how I will get somewhere, anywhere is a feeling I can't describe.  All the planning, the organizing, the inconveniencing is gone.  

It's simply gone. 

I honestly never thought this day would come.  And I'll always be grateful to my Isabelle and LL for inspiring me to be strong and courageous.

After all, driving is easy.

{#neverthoughtidsaythat}

NEVER

"Never say never!"

-Good advice

I don't know where the saying "never say never" came from, but it really is good advice, especially if you don't want to look stupid for doing something you said you'd never do!

Here are two examples of when I never should've said never.

First, the mini van.  Everyone seems to have vans in Utah.  Wherever you go, there is always a plethora of vans on the road, in a driveway or in a parking lot.  Even my parents had a van.  Vans are everywhere!

When I got married, a little over five years ago, Dustin and I made the decision to never own a van.  We didn't like the look of the van, the stereotype that people that own vans have like a billion children and so forth.

Then, we bought Sammie, our Cocker Spaniel.

Then, we decided to keep Tod, the stray dog that wouldn't leave our porch and whose owners we could not find.

Then, our daughter Belle was born.

Throw in living hours away from both of our families; hence, a lot of time spent in the car just to visit family.

Combine all these things and the car we had just wasn't cutting it in terms of space and comfort.

So, we decided to look for a bigger car, keeping in mind we were NOT going to get a van.

Test drive after test drive after a dozen test drivers later, we finally agreed to check out a van.  As soon as I got into the car I KNEW it was the right vehicle for our family.   Not only did it have room for 7 people, it was so spacious.  All of our luggage would easily fit, the dogs would have plenty of room to lay down, and so much more.

We bought the van and have really been pleased with it ever since.  

Never say never!

Second, DVD players in cars.

You know how when you're not a parent you still seem to think you know what other parents should or should not be doing with their own children?  You see a mom letting her kid run around in a store and think, "My child will never do that!"  You walk around judging parents left and right as if you were the only person in the world that ever thought about discipline techniques.

Before my daughter was born, and whenever I was on the freeway or doing some city driving, I constantly saw cars that had DVDs in them.  In all my ignorance, I swore, when I had children, there would never be a DVD player in the car.  "My kids will be not be addicted to TV," I thought.  "I'll be able to entertain my children so much better than any old DVD player!"

Well, never, lasted less than 2 years.

After listening to Belle scream in the car for hours (i.e., 4 hour trip to WY Thanksgiving 2009 = 4 hours of screaming) and enduring other tantrums whether we were in the car for an hour or just 5 minutes, Dustin and I finally caved and got a portable DVD player.  We have a great setup.  I hold the main player with all the controls (because I have to have easy access to the rewind button when Belle decides she wants to watch the same clip over and over again) while the other screen is on the headrest of Dustin's seat - perfect for Belle to watch all of her fun movies.

(Try listening to that 44 seconds of video 10 times in a row.  Fun stuff!)

So, from now on, I'm going to withhold saying never as often as I can.  I can't say I'll never say never again, but you never know.  :)

Thoughts?

KNOWLEDGE is POWER

Thirteen years ago today, my husband, Dustin, was in a horrible car accident.  Dustin and his sister, Shannon, were nearly home when a truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and hit their car head on.  The impact of the crash killed Shannon instantly.  She was only 21 years old and had only been married for 10 months.  Dustin miraculously survived and had a quick physical recovery.

For six years, I worked for a large oil company.  I worked closely with numerous trucking companies and drivers.  I learned the business.  I know the rules companies and drivers need to abide by.  The rules are simple, clear and only exist for the safety of the driver and other people on the road.

Drivers are not paid by the hour.  They are paid by the mile.  And, because the rules specifically state drivers should not be on the road for more than a certain amount of hours per day, abiding by the rules could mean earning less money.

Insert driver log fraud.

Drivers are required to document how long they drive, where they stop to get fuel, etc.  However, it is common knowledge in the trucking industry that many drivers have two sets of logs:  the logs they use if they are pulled over by the police (or any other official that could punish them for inaccurate logs) and logs they use to get a paid check.

Other parts of the industry are aware of this type of deception, and, out of greed, cater to it.  For example, truckstops that supply fuel for the drivers (like Flying J or Travel Centers of America) do NOT put time stamps on their receipts (the next time you're at a place like that, check out your receipt.  Even if you're just buying a candy bar, you won't see a time stamp).  Do you see the issue?  Without that time stamp, when a driver is on the road the only record of his time is what he puts in the log, allowing him/her to get away with breaking the rules should he/she get pulled over during their route.

Now, don't get me wrong, just because the time stamp is not printed on the receipt does not mean there is not an electronic time stamp somewhere in the system.  There are ways to get the actual time drivers' fueled.  And, the Department of Transportation (DOT) do audit trucking companies regularly to make sure the rules are being followed.  But, getting an electronic time stamp is a long, time-consuming process.  Things could be regulated so much easier if the time were on the receipt.  There is WAY too much room for deception.

 The driver that caused Shannon's death and nearly killed Dustin had been on the road for close to 72 hours.  He never apologized for his crime.  His sentence consisted of 30 days in jail and the loss of his CDL.  Our family has since learned he is driving a truck again.

I know there are good drivers out there.  I know there are drivers that take pride in their work, follow the rules and are concerned about others on the road.  I know the trucking industry is important, and we rely on it more than we probably realize.  But, that doesn't mean we can't demand more of the drivers.

I encourage all of you to learn more about this industry.  If you are on the road and see a driver going too fast or being wreckless, contact the company.  The number is usually on the truck.  If you tell the company where you were, what time you saw the driver, etc., they should be able to find out who the driver was.  Here are two sites that I recommend viewing.  Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration and Parents Against Tired Truckers.

Knowledge is power.  The more people get involved and demand honest, ethical trucking companies, the safer the roads will be for all of us.

my BIGGEST FEAR

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

When I was 12, I was diagnosed with petit mal seizures. I was told I would eventually grow out of having them, but in the meantime I was put on daily prescription medication.  The medication worked, but every time I had a test done to see if I had grown out of them, I was always told no.

By the time I reached high school and eligible to take driver's ed, I was told it was too risky for someone with my condition to drive.  So, all during high school I never got a driver's license.

I continued to have seizures while in college.  I also experienced them after I got married.  And,  during my pregnancy.  And, after my pregnancy.

Now, nearly one year since my last seizure, my doctor finally gave me the "OK" to get a driver's license.  I was both excited and frightened to get this news.  On the one hand, it was going to be SO great to have freedom to get to places without depending on anyone else to drive me, or to worry about walking in the rain or snow.  On the other hand, getting a license would mean I would have to conquer my biggest fear:  driving a car.  

I'm not sure where my fear of driving came from, and I decided there really wasn't any point in trying to find out.  I decided, now that my seizures were really under control, I would learn how to drive.  It was time to conquer my fear and not let it rule my life.

Over the past few weeks, my husband has been teaching me how to drive.  It has been a good experience, but sometimes frustrating.  Some drives are really great and I leave feeling really confident.  Other drives are bad and I exit the car feeling hopeless.  But, we have prevailed and my husband has not let me give up.  He's really encouraging and always reminds me when I'm doing a good job (or when I'm about to run into something...).

Today, a neighbor of mine called and asked if she could borrow my music stand.  I, of course, said yes and told her I would bring it by once my daughter woke up from her nap.  Now, when I say neighbor, I mean she literally lives 4 houses away from me.   As my daughter slept, the rain began.  My heart sank.  I hoped as time passed, the rain would cease, but it only got worse. 

Once my daughter was awake, the rain was still going strong.  I was so frustrated and decided to take matters into my own hands.  I put my daughter in her car seat, got into the driver's seat, turned on the car, made sure I knew how to turn on the wipers, put the car in 'drive' and slowly accelerated.   

As I left my driveway, I felt so liberated, so powerful.  I was running my first errand.  And it felt fabulous!  Two short seconds later, I reached my destination without any problems at all.  I gave my neighbor the music stand and then headed for home.  Two seconds after that, I was back in my garage all safe and sound.  I did it!

I immediately called my husband.  And then I called my mom.  I was filled with joy.  I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.   I knew I was close to conquering my fear.... not to mention getting a real license so I could drive legally on the road.

What are your biggest fears?  Do you have any interesting stories to share in which you looked fear in the face?

Thoughts?