the END of an ERA

Shortly after Isabelle was born, I decided to quit my job.  It was around that time that I realized how much of my self-identity was wrapped up in my work.  It took me awhile to get used to the idea of not having an answer to the always fun question, "What do you do?" or having to put a checkmark next to the "Homemaker" {#gag} option on mortgage applications.  Over the years, I've learned how to deal with not working full-time all while still feeling like a contributing member of society.

However, I find myself feeling somewhat the same as I enter a new phase in my life.  This is a very exciting phase, one that I never thought possible, but that doesn't take away the weird feeling of leaving a part of me behind.

Two months ago, I got my learners permit.  Yes, at the ripe old age of nearly 33 years old, I will, in a few weeks, be eligible to become a licensed driver for the first time ever.  I'll spare the details as to why I've never driven before because it's health related {#seizuressuck}, and it's not really relevant to this post.

Not being able to drive has been something that has defined me in so many ways.  Driving has always been my greatest fear.  It has restricted me beyond belief.  It has been the source of much stress.  But it has also allowed me to see the kindness and goodness in other people as I have had to rely heavily on friends and family for many, many years to get from point A to point B.

After consulting with my neurologist and having been seizure-free for 3 months, I decided it was time to conquer my fear and learn to drive.  I don't think I could have ever done it without the inspiration of my two daughters.  It was for them that I did this.  Learning to drive meant I didn't have to worry about things I constantly worried about.  Things that other people probably never thought twice about:  How will I get my kids to school?  What happens if they get sick or forget something and I need to get to their school quickly?  What if they want to go to a friends house?  How will I get them to dance or music lessons?

And the list goes on and on on.

Growing up, my mom drove me everywhere.  I have no idea how we would've functioned as a family had my mom not been able to drive.  I had nightmares {ok, not actual nightmares} of my children resenting me for not being able to take them places.  I knew my not being able to drive would have a large impact on their lives, and I didn't want that.  I didn't want to be an embarrassment to them, but I especially didn't want to inhibit them in any way.

And so I'm learning to drive.  And things are going well.  Being able to get into a car and drive a few blocks to the grocery store is one of the greatest luxuries ever.  Not having to worry about how I will get somewhere, anywhere is a feeling I can't describe.  All the planning, the organizing, the inconveniencing is gone.  

It's simply gone. 

I honestly never thought this day would come.  And I'll always be grateful to my Isabelle and LL for inspiring me to be strong and courageous.

After all, driving is easy.

{#neverthoughtidsaythat}

a GOOD THING

After awhile, the comments regarding how much my daughter's life was going to change began to overwhelm me.  On the one hand, I was so excited to welcome a new baby girl into our family.  But, at the same time, I felt extremely guilty at the idea of turning Isabelle's world upside down.

How could I do this to my little girl?

As ashamed as I am to admit it, I began having doubts about whether or not having another child was a good idea.  Obviously, we were going to have another child either way, but I sincerely questioned my ability to handle all the challenges that were waiting for me.

But then something wonderful happened.  You hear women say all the time that they felt an immediate bond with their child the second he/she was born.  I didn't feel that at all with my first daughter, but I did with my second.  It was very unexpected and surprising.

I remember feeling how grateful I was that she was healthy and that I was finally able to hold her in my arms.  As I looked at her in awe, an overwhelming feeling came over me that this was right.  Despite the difficulties ahead, her arrival was no mistake.  This is what was suppose to happen and it was a very, very good thing for our family.

It's now been a month since the birth of our little girl.  Isabelle has come such a long way and genuinely enjoys her little sister.  Things aren't perfect and I still struggle with how to manage it all, but I know things are how they are suppose to be.

And that makes the hard times worthwhile and the good times that much better.

O is for OPEN

I try to be very open in my life.

Source

I think there are several ways to accomplish this.

I try to be open in my mind and be respectful of new ideas or new opinions.

I try to be open with new people by not judging them by the way they look.

I try to be open with trying new things or traveling to new places.

I try to be open in how I spend my time by going outside and enjoying the great outdoors. 

And most recently I'm trying to be open with how I cook by experimenting with new recipes.

I think being open is such a refreshing way to live.  It is very easy to get stuck in our ways which can lead to missed opportunities.

I have found that by trying to remain open, I am able to get along with a lot of different types of people, I find out new things about myself and am overall a more well-rounded person.

BLISSFULLY ignornat

In May 2008, I found out I was pregnant.  It would be my first pregnancy of all time.  When I read the test, I just thought to myself "Ok, I'm pregnant."  Since I wasn't surprised to see a positive result, I called my husband at work and gave him the news.  He just said "Really?  Ok.  Well, I'll see you when I get home."  I've since wondered why our response to the news was so casual.  I guess it could be attributed to the fact that it took no time at all for me to get pregnant (and for that I am extremely grateful), so I don't think we really had time to decide how we would handle things.

Because this was my first pregnancy, I really didn't know what to expect.  All I had ever learned or heard about was from other people, so in a way I just assumed I would have the same experiences.  I started reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting" but to be perfectly honest I got bored with it.  Everything I read was not happening to me.  I decided I would use the book more as a reference when I had a question rather than fill my mind with what could happen.

Within weeks of finding out I was pregnant, we learned that three other girls in our family were expecting too.  We were all due within weeks of each other.  One of my cousin's blogged all about her experience and it was while I was reading her posts that I realized how different our pregnancies were.  She was going through things that never once happened to me.  She felt sick all the time.  I never had morning sickness.  Those sorts of things.

As my pregnancy progressed it continued to be really easy.  I was amazed and shocked.  Sure, there were moments of discomfort, but that was only when the baby had her leg in a weird place and as soon as she moved I was totally fine.  I slept better than I ever had before.  I never threw up after eating.  I never had heartburn, etc.

The few things that were annoying happened as I neared the 9 month mark:  my blood pressure was high, so my doctor told me to take things very easy; my ankles, hands and feet swelled; and one of fingers was constantly numb.

Six days before my due date, my doctor decided to induce me because my blood pressure continued to increase.

Like my pregnancy, my labor and delivery was a lot less dramatic and painful than I anticipated.  Our daughter was born 5 hours after we got to the hospital.  I think I pushed two, possibly three times.  And the 22 pounds I gained quickly vanished just weeks later without me doing anything.

Now that our daughter is two, my husband and I have started to think about thinking about having another baby.  As I contemplate what it would be like to have another child, the thing that scares me the most is being pregnant again.  I think I was almost too lucky with my first experience that I'm due for the complete opposite the second time around.  All the difficulties that come with having the actual baby in the flesh doesn't scare me quite as much because I'll have my husband to help me with that.  But, I'm on my own during those first 9 months.

Back in 2008, when we decided to have a baby, ignorance was blissfully on our side.  This time, I'm much more cautious. Even though I know everyone's experience is different, I'm curious to know who have been pregnant more than once if they were similar.  Was one really easy while the other just a nightmare?

Thoughts are appreciated! 

CROSSROADS

In May of 2004, I graduated from Weber State University, earning a Bachelor's degree in Family Studies.  At the time, I had a job that was great while I was a student because of the flexible hours, but I always told myself once I graduated I would quit and get a job related to my field.

A few weeks after graduation, I moved into a new apartment and began working full-time for the same company.  My plan was to keep my job while searching for new opportunities.  I also had the plan to go to graduate school the following year.  It seemed like the perfect plan.  

Nearly six months went by and I still had not found a new job, but I wasn't frustrated. I figured it would take awhile. And in the meantime I was learning more about admission requirements for graduate school, getting used to the thought of living in Alabama and dreading the idea of taking the GRE.

One day, while I work, I received an e-mail from my supervisor.  She asked if I had heard about a job opening in a different department and wondered if I was going to apply for it.  I hadn't heard about the position and even though I knew this wasn't her intention, because she sent me that e-mail, I felt a little pressure to apply for the job.  

I had a week to submit my resume, and I spent a lot of time thinking about what I should do.  I knew I was qualified for the job and stood a really good chance of getting it.  I knew a lot of my friends (including Karen) were applying for it which made things kind of awkward.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with it.

After a few days of thinking things over, I soon realized I was making a very critical decision.  A life changing decision. I knew if I applied for the job, I would get it. I knew accepting the job would change all the plans and goals I had just set for myself.  Without a doubt, I was at a crossroads in my life and I didn't know why.  All I knew is that I had to apply for the job, and I wasn't happy about it.

I submitted my resume and soon had an appointment for an interview.  

The day of my interview, I contemplated what to wear.  I had learned all the do's and don'ts of interviewing, including proper attire.  I knew wearing denim wasn't the best choice, so I wore a jean jacket.  I knew wearing perfume wasn't a wise decision, but I wore it anyway.  I knew I probably should've put my hair up, but I wore it down.  I did what I could to not make the best impression because I was scared of getting this job.

I was offered the job.  And I accepted it.  And I knew it was the right decision to make, but still didn't know why.

Weeks later, something unexpected happen:  I began feeling different about a really good friend of mine. A friend that was a boy.  I was annoyed at these new feelings. This guy had been my friend for over a year, and I was satisfied with our relationship.  Suddenly, I was more attracted to him and wanted to spend more time with him.  A new job, now this?  I wanted to tell life I was tired of all the curve balls.

Fast forward at most 10 weeks (yes, that's right, 10 weeks) I found myself engaged. Yes, I was engaged  to this guy whom I had no interest in just months earlier.  It was insane.  Totally insane.  But, it made sense and completely the right thing to do.

I know not everyone believes in God, but I do.  And I know He lead me in a different direction than the one I had all mapped out for myself.  And maybe that was so I could marry Dustin.  Maybe it was to spare me from a situation that would've come about had I gone to graduate school.  I probably won't know the answers to these questions for awhile.  And that is okay because it doesn't matter.

What matters is that I am happy with my husband.  I'm thankful for the life we have built together and the many years to come.

I'm humbled to know that God, in all his infinite power and wisdom, takes time to guide me in the right direction.  And I'm so grateful I listened to Him!

my BIGGEST FEAR

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

When I was 12, I was diagnosed with petit mal seizures. I was told I would eventually grow out of having them, but in the meantime I was put on daily prescription medication.  The medication worked, but every time I had a test done to see if I had grown out of them, I was always told no.

By the time I reached high school and eligible to take driver's ed, I was told it was too risky for someone with my condition to drive.  So, all during high school I never got a driver's license.

I continued to have seizures while in college.  I also experienced them after I got married.  And,  during my pregnancy.  And, after my pregnancy.

Now, nearly one year since my last seizure, my doctor finally gave me the "OK" to get a driver's license.  I was both excited and frightened to get this news.  On the one hand, it was going to be SO great to have freedom to get to places without depending on anyone else to drive me, or to worry about walking in the rain or snow.  On the other hand, getting a license would mean I would have to conquer my biggest fear:  driving a car.  

I'm not sure where my fear of driving came from, and I decided there really wasn't any point in trying to find out.  I decided, now that my seizures were really under control, I would learn how to drive.  It was time to conquer my fear and not let it rule my life.

Over the past few weeks, my husband has been teaching me how to drive.  It has been a good experience, but sometimes frustrating.  Some drives are really great and I leave feeling really confident.  Other drives are bad and I exit the car feeling hopeless.  But, we have prevailed and my husband has not let me give up.  He's really encouraging and always reminds me when I'm doing a good job (or when I'm about to run into something...).

Today, a neighbor of mine called and asked if she could borrow my music stand.  I, of course, said yes and told her I would bring it by once my daughter woke up from her nap.  Now, when I say neighbor, I mean she literally lives 4 houses away from me.   As my daughter slept, the rain began.  My heart sank.  I hoped as time passed, the rain would cease, but it only got worse. 

Once my daughter was awake, the rain was still going strong.  I was so frustrated and decided to take matters into my own hands.  I put my daughter in her car seat, got into the driver's seat, turned on the car, made sure I knew how to turn on the wipers, put the car in 'drive' and slowly accelerated.   

As I left my driveway, I felt so liberated, so powerful.  I was running my first errand.  And it felt fabulous!  Two short seconds later, I reached my destination without any problems at all.  I gave my neighbor the music stand and then headed for home.  Two seconds after that, I was back in my garage all safe and sound.  I did it!

I immediately called my husband.  And then I called my mom.  I was filled with joy.  I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.   I knew I was close to conquering my fear.... not to mention getting a real license so I could drive legally on the road.

What are your biggest fears?  Do you have any interesting stories to share in which you looked fear in the face?

Thoughts?